comments from ex-JW's from freethoughtify.org

4 comments to Grieving for the Living: How Religion Poisons Relationships


May 7, 2013 at 6:12 pm
Christine  says:
Bridget,
 I understand your pain. I have also been disfellowshiped. It happened seven years ago when I was basically stalked by two elders. They showed up at my house because they found out that I was living with my boyfriend at the time. No one told me about this. Instead, my parents invited me to have dinner with the whole family and after dinner, they confronted me about my living arrangements. My dad died two years ago, and while I was invited to the funeral, no one there talked to me (except to tell me that my loving Father was still there in heaven…). I tried to re-establish ties to my family after he died, but it was to no avail. When I graduated, my mom and sister decided not to come to my graduation because they had a convention to go to. I have since given up on any dreams I once had about having happy familial ties with my blood family. I’m so saddened that my family will never accept the amazing wonders of science, that I can never have an honest discussion with my family about my career plans (I’m an evolutionary biologist), that my parents will ever be proud of me (unless I return to the flock, of course). Most people do not understand. It’s simple to be a Catholic who isn’t practicing. Returning to the cult without going at it whole-heartedly would do no good. I, like you, have lost my family to the sickening, twisted practice of excommunication.
-Christin
Reply 


May 13, 2013 at 1:06 pm
Kelly  says:
I too understand all to well. I lost my dad a year and half ago and was disassociated close to 10 years ago. Stepping back into that Kingdom Hall was hard to do after 10 years, but it was for my dad. It’s interesting how the flock justifies “talking to me”, but on other occassions, it’s as if I don’t exist and I’m invisible. My mother will only call when she needs something (house cleaned, groceries picked up, etc.) as she is almost wheel chair bound. Our conversations have to be justified in her mind just to talk to me. I lived with my fiancee for 2 weeks before I married him as he moved to the mid-west from California and I got so much flack for it that I decided to go to another Kingdom Hall because of how much I was badgered. I told them to not show up without calling and they continued to just show up and they tried to barged into my home when they did show up. My husband would tell them I’m not home or she’s busy and they would try to put a foot in the door and come in anyway. I wrote my letter that I was disassocating myself from XXXXX Kingdom Hall, and that I was going to attend another in the next town over. Well, they stood on that stage and read the formal announcement (probably some basic letter, just fill in the name) that I was disassociating myself from the entire organization of JW. I wrote letter after letter saying what they did was wrong, and not one word back to me, not one meeting in the “back room of shame” was invited to me. At my dad’s funeral, from those same men, there was not one hug to us kids who are either DF’d or DA. They passed us up on the receiving line and only hugged those who were in good standing. WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS. How self centered to not even acknowledge the death of a loved one to us that lost our father. – Kelly
Reply 


May 13, 2013 at 10:39 pm
Robin in PA  says:
I posted this comment in an earlier thread from a post that you wrote and that was shared by Richard Dawkins today:
I can relate. Good for you for being true to yourself and living your life the way that you want to. There’s a bigger price to pay for not following your own path. I truly am sorry for what you’re going through.
My family (Mother, 2 sisters and their families) of born-again christians disowned me for 10 years. I’m gay and agnostic. We reconciled 10 years ago and my mother died 3 years ago. Things are ok with one sister, but very limited. With my Mother, it was contentious at times, all while I was supporting her through cancer. The hardest part of it all was always hoping that she would one day accept me for who I was. She never did. As much I hate to say it, my only relief came when she died, because my hope died with her. I hardly miss her, which is sad, but it was a relationship that was filled with pain.
I do have some extended family that I’m close to, but we’re more alike. The best advice I can give is to create your own family. They won’t replace your blood relatives but you’ll probably get more peace, love and understanding from people who are like-minded.
I hope you find peace. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me.
Best to you, Robin
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A Lifetime of Sexual Harassment and Gender Bias
June 24, 2013 Blog, Gender, Random Musings, Social Justice  One comment
sadwomanI have been in the workforce for 18 years. During that time there were dozens of instances of sexual harassment and several times I suspect that I was the victim of gender bias. The one time I spoke up guess what happened?
I remember the first time I was sexually harassed. I was in 8th grade and it was in woodshop class. One of the popular boys asked me and several of my girlfriends if we were virgins (we were 13). I was the only one (in fact two of my friends had babies). When I admitted that I was one, he turned into a monster. He told several of the boys in class and they all started making sexual comments about what they wanted to do to me. He would also grab me between the legs.
I never told anyone.
The day I turned 16 I got my first job. I worked in a restaurant as a server. I was very naive. Again, sex came up and I admitted I was a virgin. I saw this as a source of pride, but many of the males then saw me as prey… as a conquest. My 40-something boss constantly wanted to give me hugs and told me how pretty I was. That and the pats on the butt made me uncomfortable but I assumed I was misreading his intentions. He’d often tell me that the first person he’d ever had sex with was a black girl. I worked there for about 2 years and it escalated over time. There were occasions late at night when only 4 or 5 people were in the restaurant closing up and I would be accosted in the walk-in refrigerator. There was another manager that behaved this way but he added a racial element. When I’d rebuke him he’d call me a “spook” or say something like, “well then get your black ass out of here”.
I didn’t think anyone would believe me.
I was a server until I turned 29. It’s one of the best ways to make money without a degree. Being sexually harassed had been such a normal part of working that I just assumed I had to get used to it. Even as I got older and gained weight, I could barely go a shift without someone commenting on the size of my breasts or touching them.
I accepted it as normal.
In every job I have worked, the gender gap has been huge. For every 15 females there was 1 male. Guess who always got promoted the fastest? I suppose in all cases the male could have been more qualified, but I doubt it.
I never complained.
As I shrugged off  religious beliefs and realized that men and women should have the same opportunities, a light bulb went on and I realized what I had been putting up with my entire life. I vowed to never let that happen again.
I was emboldened.
Then last year I was tested. I felt that I was the victim of gender bias and after the comments my supervisor made I thought this warranted action. I’ll probably never know if it was actually gender bias, but that was my perception and I deserved to be heard. So, via email I told my supervisor’s boss my concern and it was within minutes that he responded very defensively. Enough time hadn’t passed for him to investigate my claims, he never called me to discuss the issue and I have reason to believe he didn’t even broach the subject with my supervisor. The two happened to be friends so I didn’t stand much of a chance anyway. To make matters worse, my supervisor’s boss then warned people that I made false allegations of gender bias and not to believe me if they heard about this later. In reality I wasn’t sure what I had experienced. To this day I suspect that this particular person didn’t do this consciously, he might just have a problem working with women. Either way his comments and behavior needed to be addressed. In fact, after this happened another woman contacted me and helped me realize that I wasn’t the only one. She wrote to my supervisor’s boss and still, to my knowledge, nothing was done.
I didn’t take it any further. rejected
I realized that such a claim is almost impossible to prove and that unless it’s on video, or in writing or witnessed by a third party there is almost nothing you can do about it. If a pattern can be established, that might bring about a resolution, but I assume that most women are like me, they remain silent.
The consequences of such a claim can ruin a person. If it gets out employers might think you’re too much of a liability. I came across an article that discussed discrimination in the workplace but I believe it also applies to sexual harassment and gender bias:
Due to the negative stigma of “playing the race card” [or the "vagina card"] potential retaliation in the job market, monetary and emotional investment, many suffer discrimination [or harassment] but decide not to pursue their case. Discrimination can wear you down and exhaust you emotionally to the point you feel there is little left in the tank to fight. Moreover, there is a low probability of securing a windfall should you pursue a case. Hence, the utilitarian may decide it is simply not a worthwhile investment. However, I would challenge the utilitarian to think deeper about the cost of not pursuing a case.
Unchecked illegal behavior is known to grow into what can become a severe problem creating a culture of corruption. Not pursuing a claim in analogous to not reporting a break in at your house or a robbery. If enough people stop reporting the crime, the criminals become emboldened and the entire community suffers. What is technically a crime simply becomes accepted as the way things are, and there is a tacit acceptance of criminal behavior.
So what does a person do when the odds are so stacked against them? Is it worth a ruined reputation, loss of job opportunities and emotional distress?
I’m not sure I’ll ever get the courage to speak up again.
—–
As an aside, I think the reason why I sometimes feel that sexual harassment, gender bias and racial discrimination are not any more prevalent within the atheist community as opposed the wider community is because that is my normal.

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Spin-Doctoring
June 20, 2013 Blog, Random Musings  No comments
Don’t believe everything you read.
If you look in the dictionary there are a ton of definitions for “spin”. The one I want to talk about today is:
In public relations, spin is a form of propaganda, achieved through providing an interpretation of an event or campaign to persuade public opinion in favor or against a certain organization or public figure. While traditional public relations may also rely on creative presentation of the facts, “spin” often, though not always, implies disingenuous, deceptive and/or highly manipulative tactics.
The techniques of spin include:
•Cherry Picking (aka suppressing evidence, or the fallacy of incomplete evidence): pointing to individual cases or data that seem to confirm a particular position, while ignoring a significant portion of related cases or data that may contradict that position.
•Non-denial denial: a statement that seems direct, clearcut and unambiguous at first hearing, but when carefully parsed is revealed not to be a denial at all, and is thus not untruthful. It is a case in which words that are literally true are used to convey a false impression.
clinton
•Non-apology apology: a statement that has the form of an apology but does not express the expected contrition. It is common in both politics and public relations. It most commonly entails the speaker saying that he or she is sorry not for a behavior, statement or misdeed, but rather is sorry only because a person who has been aggrieved is requesting the apology, expressing a grievance, or is threatening some form of retribution or retaliation. Common usage, “ I’m sorry that you feel that way”.
•Mistakes were made: an expression that is commonly used as a rhetorical device, whereby a speaker acknowledges that a situation was handled poorly or inappropriately but seeks to evade any direct admission or accusation of responsibility by using the passive voice, which allows for the deletion of the agent (the person who made the mistakes). The acknowledgement of “mistakes” is framed in an abstract sense, with no direct reference to who made the mistakes. An active voice construction might be along the lines of “I made mistakes” or “John Doe made mistakes.” The speaker neither accepts personal responsibility nor accuses anyone else.
•Begging the question: an implicit premise would directly entail the conclusion. Read here for more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Begging_the_question
•“Burying bad news“: announcing one popular thing at the same time as several unpopular things, hoping that the media will focus on the popular one.
•Misdirection and diversion- I believe this one speaks for itself.
People that use spin tend to feel ethically justified because it is less wrong than explicit lying.
Props to Wikipedia

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You know what I’m going to do about this? NOTHING!
June 20, 2013 Blog, Random Musings  No comments
Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey has a lot of memorable scenes. If you haven’t seen it you should check it out.
There is one scene in particular that I often think of. Anytime I feel powerless against an injustice that happens to me or someone close to me and I know there is nothing I can do about it besides feel angry and sad, this pops into my head.


“Why you.. You liar! You know what I’m going to do about this? NOTHING! [...] So what I’m gonna do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!”
 
 

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Edits & Lies
June 20, 2013 Blog, Random Musings  3 comments
lie
A really good way to hide a written lie is by quietly editing it. If you change the statement and then put in something that is legally true (though it is still a lie of omission) but not letting others know that the original statement was a lie or even announcing that you are making a retraction or edit, future readers will never know that the deliberate false statement ever existed.
Example: Lets say a blogger did this or a newspaper reporter or anyone that puts out others forms of written material including magazines or websites or even a press release. This person writes what they know is a deliberate false statement. No one notices because they trust the source. Many thousands of people read and believed this lie. A month passes. A new reader pops up, recognizes the deliberate lie and asks the blogger to delete the lie. The blogger does so because this particular reader can prove that a deliberate lie was made. Someone coming along later reads the new version and never knows that a falsehood was there in the first place and they move along. Even if the new version has “(edit)” next to it, most people won’t assume a lie was edited out and the author can rest assured that no one will bother to investigate because s/he is considered a trust source.
Would you say an action like this is unethical? Dishonest? Did the author do his/her due diligence, especially if the original piece was read by thousands and thousands of people?

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Page 2
Freethoughtify Protects Commenter Privacy
June 10, 2013 Blog  No comments
privacy
This post is inspired by the commenter privacy policies at Atheist Revolution (VJack), Why Evolution is True (Jerry Coyne) and Pharyngula (PZ Myers). I encourage you to click the links because they have varying philosophies on this subject. I’ve never had an issue here and I had assumed that most bloggers feel the same way I do. My blog is very, very small compared to the ones I listed above and most of my posts are about personal things in my life that are not worthy of incessant trolling or mean people so I don’t have to deal with the same issues. Nevertheless I will post this here for posterity’s sake.
I have decided to adopt Coyne’s almost word for word:
My policy is to always protect the identity and contact details of commenters, anonymous or not. What that means is that under no circumstances will I reveal your name, email,  IP address, or other personal information to other commenters. Nor will I reveal them to anyone with one exception: if a comment appears to threaten physical or other harm to someone, including me, I will report the information to the proper authorities.
Those guilty of what I see as bad behavior, trolling, or other violations will simply be warned, banned, or moderated, but never outed.
I encourage people to use their real names, but I also fully understand the use and need for pseudonyms.
———————-
Some might wonder why I have chosen to go this route. It’s primarily because I have a lot of “in the closet” Jehovah’s Witnesses and current Jehovah’s Witnesses that comment on my page and contact me and to out them could mean disaster. Also, since I have ex-Muslim friends, etc. I just couldn’t bear the thought of outing them. It could literally be a life or death situation. The JWs that comment are often very critical and tell me how evil I am. If someone is consistently coming here to ridicule and criticize me, I have the same philosophy about my blog as I do on my Facebook page:
10151592056213447
 
For me it’s that simple. I have NO PROBLEM banning people that don’t want to be reasonable or who just want to shit on me. Revealing their identity in any degree seems unnecessary unless they are threatening someone. I think some bloggers might think that the person is unstable or dangerous and that everyone should know their identity. I can respect that but I also understand that I am neither a psychologist nor a law enforcement officer. If I feel a person is threatening I will contact law enforcement. I hope it never comes to that.

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Native Atheist
May 24, 2013 Atheism, Blog, Race  One comment
This is a guest post by Noah Nez:
NativeAtheist
Generally speaking, life on a Native American reservation isn’t easy. There are many hardships that are rarely mentioned in our society, which heavily impact the lives of all of those living on tribal land. There is a misconception that these are isolated incidents that are only found on tribal land, but quite often these issues are found spilling out into the collective consciences of American society.
From the research that I have done on indigenous culture and religion, I have noticed many commonalities between various tribes from around the globe. From the structure of societies to the mythical stories and worldviews, there are many similarities amongst all civilizations of people found throughout history. Not unlike any of those other groups of people there is distrust, misunderstanding, and demonizing of the non-believer found within Native American communities.
I grew up around a collective mix of different religions that I was discouraged of questioning. From the earliest recollections that come to my memory, I asked too many questions for the adults around me to answer. To be more precise, I was scolded not to ask such things or speak in such a way. The instant that stands out in my mind as the “Road to Damascus” moment which lead me further down the path of skepticism, came from a piece of artwork sitting on the mantle inside one of my relative’s homes. It is not clear to me why it never struck me odd before, but one day I was gazing at a statue of the Mother Mary and took notice of the Native American design running down her back. At that moment, the thought rang through my head, “How did that happen?” I wanted to understand how that was accepted. It almost seemed sacrilegious. To which belief system I wasn’t sure, but it definitely didn’t seem acceptable. This provoked me to stay on that line of reasoning and I began to look toward the tribal beliefs that were stitched into this complex tapestry of worldviews. My family would attend Pow-Wows and practice tribal traditions regularly. Many of my relatives were heavily involved with organizing such events and some participated in the ceremonies themselves. So, the question that was begging to be asked was clear to me, “How do we reconcile all of these very different religious views? How is it that we go to church to pray to Jesus or Mary of Guadalupe one day, and then go down below to the campsite to dance for the mountain spirits? Where do Mother Earth and Father Sky fit into all of this?” To make matters even more confusing, as if they weren’t already, my different tribal affiliations each had their own viewpoints that were just as diverse as the Christian one’s. Not only did I have family members that were Catholic, Christian, and Mormon, but I also had to deal with the fact that I am Navajo, Hopi, and Apache. Some might say that it was inevitable I would become skeptical about religion from all the confusion. However, if that was the case, I would think that there should be more Native American non-believers.
It wasn’t really until college that I began to be properly critical and analytical by learning how to research things more scholarly. I had to be taught how to think first. Classes like critical thinking and psychology were easy for me to pick up because I could see the importance and potential use in learning about personal biases and other cognitive pitfalls in order to efficiently and effectively sift through information with a more objective eye. A big part to learning anything is finding a way to relate to the content, and I found that building a familiarity to logical fallacies and other forms of rhetoric was my cup of tea, so-to-speak. In the beginning, these mind games were like mental exercises that would eventually become a sort of self-defense training for my brain. This served as the foundation for what would later become a fascination and love for science. I really got into philosophy after writing a paper on Socrates for my ethics course. My ethics and advanced composition professor fed this curiosity of mine and helped refine my research skills by pushing me to engage in topics that were not as familiar and less commonly chosen by most students. So, I went further down the rabbit hole by exploring and becoming acquainted with the Socratic Method, and trying to find the answer to, “What is knowledge?” Digging through the answers I got from religion, philosophy, and even metaphysics didn’t satisfy any of my initial inquiries. I didn’t find any of the answers to all of the bigger questions that I had been searching for until I came across what is known as, “scientific skepticism.”
There is somewhat of a burdening amount of information with the advent of the internet. Nowadays, if someone wanted to find something to back up nearly any claim, you may find it through a quick search online. This is where the need for establishing a standard to distinguish what constitutes as evidence becomes ever apparent. I found that gold standard after putting together the pieces that made up the process of scientific method.
It did take some time for me to realize all the parts to the process of science; it wasn’t by any means overnight. I feel like it took the accumulation of all those different ways of thinking that crossed my path to get to that point. Even with after I graduated with one degree of applied sciences and another in a bachelors of science, it wasn’t until a few years later that I became scientifically literate. Like many people out in the world today, I thought I knew what science was early on through my formal education. However, much like the majority of the population, I still did not have a firm grasp on the methodology and wouldn’t consider myself as being scientifically literate at that point. While I might have passed all of my science courses to earn two degrees, that did not mean I could differentiate the difference between pseudoscience and science.
Ultimately, I feel that is the biggest factor and the major fundamental difference that contributed the most to me feeling comfortable and confident in my atheism. Being able to formulate my own arguments formally and establishing the best way to attain knowledge that I could ever conceive of came through finding my understanding and love for science. To be clear here, I am an atheist not because of my skepticism, but I am merely a skeptic who happens to be an atheist. While it is common for people to wrestle with their faith from time to time, after being taught how to think critically and analytically, I went through my own intense internal struggles by seeking out different religions and ways of thinking through vigorously researching aspects with a more scholarly point of view. Up until then, I did not have a means to determine what was plausible from that which had little to no evidence supporting it. An unfortunate part of the human brain is that we can formulate elaborate reasons to support almost any preconceived notion, including god. But, I believe that attaining that knowledge partly comes from recognizing what we know through hundreds of years of scientific advancements and through many personal trials and tribulations.
While I still feel like an outsider amongst my family, friends, and ethnic group like a minority amongst minorities, I am still more than grateful to have found my way to reason and scientific thinking. Now, I feel that sense of awe and wonder that I was always looking for in acknowledging that I belong to something greater than me called the Universe. I found my humanism and a different spiritual view for my ever-present love for life in understanding the way the world really appears to be. As the great astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson said, “We are all connected; to each other biologically, to the Earth chemically, and to the rest of the universe atomically.”
Noah blogs at Native Skeptic.

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My New Path
May 20, 2013 Blog, Random Musings  5 comments
I will be resigning from my job today. Why? Well, I was having a conversation with KLJ, an acquaintance of mine that happens to be a comedian. He has a boring day job that he doesn’t care for much. He said “The problem is, my day job NEEDS to suck. A creative day job takes my focus away from comedy.” I get that I guess. What he doesn’t know is that comment really got to me. My day job does NOT need to suck. Wouldn’t it be great to pursue our passions full time? He has several reasons for staying at his job. I asked myself why I stayed at mine when I’ve been miserable for a long time. When I got my masters in public administration (strong focus on nonprofit management) I never, for one second, saw myself as a social worker, but somehow I fell into it. I’ve tried to convince myself over the last few years that I feel fulfilled because I am helping people… which I do love.. helping people that is, but not in this fashion.
I am an HIV medical case manager and my primary clientele are pregnant. The stress level is very high, but it’s my job to help ensure that no baby in the five county area is born with HIV and luckily that has only happened once since I started at this position. Still, my days are punctuated with emergencies that need to be fixed right away but can’t. On a typical morning, I might have one woman show to my office with her child because the homeless shelters are full. Right after that I might have another client contact me to let me know that her Medicaid has been cancelled and she can’t afford her $3000 HIV medication and it’s Friday and she can’t go 2 or 3 days without it because she’s already 37 weeks pregnant. Right after that it’s not unheard of to have a frightened mother, in the hospital about tot give birth all alone because she doesn’t want her family to know that she is HIV+. Most days I work through my lunch and I go home with the weight of it all. I don’t sleep well. I think about all of the things I didn’t accomplish during the day. My caseload is too big and I feel that I have to neglect some in order to focus on the ones that are really bad off. How is that fair to them? How is it fair to me?
And then I have Foundation Beyond Belief where I am the Development Director and I love it. I honestly see myself at this position for many, many years to come. I love the organization. I love its mission. I love the staff. I love everything about it. It’s a humanist charity so it’s exactly what I’m looking for. It’s where my passion lies. After bouncing around other secular/atheist organizations, I’ve finally found a home and it’s been a refreshing experience. In addition to this position I am writing a book about the effects of disownment in adulthood, which I really want to concentrate on and complete. I’m also helping to get a new digital atheist magazine off the ground: The Celestial Teapot. Lastly, because I miss school and because I want the promotion of humanism to be a central part of my life, I will be applying to the Humanist Institute in a few days which exists to “equip humanists to become effective leaders, spokespersons, and advocates in a variety of organizational settings, including within the humanist movement itself”. I’ve talked to a couple of the instructors and they guarantee me that the experience is life-altering. Also, my blog. I enjoy doing this, but it takes a surprising amount of time and I want it to grow.
I keep thinking about the fact that this is the only life I get and there is little reason for me to stay at a job that I dread going to everyday. My husband supports my decision to work on the things I love and we can afford to do it.
Still, I’m scared. At 34 I’ve never really gone after what I want like this. It’s a risk.  financiall, emotionally, etc.
I want to leave you with this, my favorite poem. I hope I’m taking the right path. Wish me luck!
The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverge in a yellow wood

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
 And sorry I could not travel both
 And be one traveler, long I stood
 And looked down one as far as I could
 To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
 And having perhaps the better claim
 Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
 Though as for that the passing there
 Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
 In leaves no step had trodden black.
 Oh, I kept the first for another day!
 Yet knowing how way leads on to way
 I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
 Somewhere ages and ages hence:
 Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
 I took the one less traveled by,
 And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

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My Orgasm (with Video)
May 15, 2013 Atheism, Blog, Sex  2 comments
Warning: This might not be safe to watch or listen to at work.
A few months ago after being scheduled to speak at Reasonfest 2013 on the topic of being a Black atheist, Greta Christina and David Fitzgerald asked if I wanted to participate in the Godless Perverts Story Hour GPSH. Before this, I had never talked openly about sex in front of a crowd, so I jumped at the opportunity! (I think we should do things that scare us from time to time.) I was raised in a sex-negative environment and I was very ignorant about human sexuality until I became an atheist (still learning more every day). Participating in this event awakened in me a real desire to promote sex-positivity.
So, without further ado, I would like to share my GPSH reading with you. Ignore my shaky voice and listen to my story. Like I said before I had never spoken about such things with such a wide audience, so I was nervous. Nevertheless, enjoy “My Orgasm”.

Transcript (some minor edits made on the spot):
It starts with a warm, tingly feeling in my toes. As I stand here trying to think of an accurate way to describe it, the only analogy that comes to mind is electricity. Then, if the proper sensation is maintained, the warm tingle quickly moves up my legs until the current hits the fuse box and then waves of electricity cascade through my body.. all the way to my fingertips and the top of my head. On a lucky day, this will happen multiple times. In very simple terms that’s my orgasm.
Why am I talking about this? BECAUSE I CAN. I was raised in a very religious, high control group. You’ve probably heard of them- Jehovah’s Witnesses. When sex was brought up it was about the DON’Ts of sex. Don’t have sex before marriage. Don’t masturbate. Don’t have gay sex. Don’t have oral sex. Don’t have sex with someone you are not married to which of course excludes threesomes, orgies and the like. And then they quoted disturbing scriptures like Ezekiel 23:20 which says, “She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of and whose semen was like that of horses”. So yes, one of my first lessons on sex involved donkey balls and horse semen. I remember having the “birds and bees” talk with my mother but all it really consisted of was “boys have penises and girls have vaginas”. I don’t think she even touched on the actual mechanics.. how the penis and vagina worked in concert to achieve this thing called “sex”. Not to mention how vaginas worked with vaginas, penises and anal sex any type of oral sex… you catch my drift. Of course gay/lesbian sex was not discussed except to point out that that was sinful. I was also told that masturbation is a no-no, but I didn’t get a clear explanation of what masturbation was. I was so sheltered that I didn’t even know until I was a teenager, that I even had another hole down there and had no clue the joys of the clitoris. When my mother had The Talk with me she did say not to touch down there except for when I peed or bathed and NEVER let anyone else touch me down there. I actually was too young at the time to even know why a person would touch down there if not to pee or bathe so I accepted it with no questions… but it wasn’t even my job to ask such questions. It’s a parent’s job to preemptively address the feelings that will eventually come up. Unfortunately when I got older and started have urges.. I was completely ignorant as to what I should do about those feelings both physically and psychologically. This is what religion does to a lot of young people. We’re taught to wait until we get married to have sex. Then we go into the situation completely unprepared for what’s going to happen. I’m not just talking condoms and bodily fluids, but also the emotions. Lots of us aren’t exclusively heterosexual or are sexually fluid with our orientation.
I was a devout Christian. I wanted to “save” myself for marriage even though at age 21, I found myself very horny. I moved out of my parent’s house that year and I remember seeing my first porn. (Hallelujah to the internet). Sadly though, aside from the horse semen scripture and my mother’s inadequate sex talk, porn was my first real sex education. I don’t know if it was my age or the freedom of not living with my parents or if it was the fact that I started college that year and found myself around “men”, but my libido shot through the roof! Along with secular education (biological anthropology, cosmology, etc.), my sex drive is another big reason I became an atheist. I’m slightly embarrassed to say that at the end of 2001 I was more concerned with sex than I was with God, but, I assumed I could repent later and all would be well.
So.. I did it and it was fabulous. Orgasms were fun and I wanted a lot of them. As luck would have it, I met a nice Atheist man. He was cute and also brilliant. I wasn’t concerned with his disbelief in God, I was a Jehovah’s Witness after all, I’d just convert him. That obviously didn’t work out as planned. We ended up taking several classes together and I suddenly had someone who helped make concepts like evolution plausible! And I got to have sex with him! I felt like a very lucky girl. I ended up marrying this Atheist man (to my parent’s dismay) and we’re still together 12 years later and I’m still in awe of him. Even after I shrugged off my god-belief, I still had sexual hang-ups. I didn’t masturbate until several years into my marriage because I thought it would be “icky” and I was embarrassed by the concept. Luckily, I got over that. I now consider myself “sex-positive” which is “an ideology which promotes and embraces open sexuality with few limits beyond an emphasis on safe sex and the importance of informed consent. Sex positivity is ‘an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation’ [...] The movement makes no moral distinctions among types of sexual activities, regarding these choices as matters of personal preference”. Growing up in a restrictive religious environment where sex was only spoken of in hushed tones or as sinful, while also putting absolute restrictions on masturbation is unacceptable and unhealthy. I’m happy that as an HIV medical case manager I am able to provide safer sex education on a regular basis.
So in closing, I’m thankful for my libido and orgasms helping to override my concern with “God”. They ultimately helped lead me to my Atheism.

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4 comments to Biological v. Logical Family


May 14, 2013 at 1:04 pm
Alex  says:
*hug* Rest assured we’re here for you when you need us. You are not alone. Sounds cheesy, I know, but on a world with 7.5 billion inhabitants, most of whom are digitally accessable on a daily basis, a person like you or me is only as alone as they allow themselves to be. And yes, I am aware it’s always more complex than that, but I stand by my statement nonetheless.
Reply 


May 14, 2013 at 2:07 pm
Nicole  says:
Hugs. I can’t imagine what it is like to walk in your shoes. Even as an adoptive parent I walk by my childrens’ side experiencing their permanent loss, but I will never know what it is actually like. Just love to you.
Reply 


May 16, 2013 at 3:40 pm
Jean Marie  says:
Hugs as well, from an atheist who has lost siblings over the gods. I understand your fear of rejection. I have bits of that myself, as i am soon moving to a town where i will know no one.
but, i am lucky, as i have and had Very close pals prior to my ever being dumped by my siblings. I have a background of creating ‘siblings’ in my past, some of whom knew me far far better, and accepted me far far more deeply, than my dna siblings.
I can look at those LTRs and realize, i *do* have the capacity and ability to build logical siblings. But it DOES take time, to build the trust required to go that deep. One shared moment after another,
 one shared experience, after another,
 slowly
 building the connection and trust. It can be done. You also have the option to measure the vulnerability and trust you place in a new person, in accordance with how well you do know them, thus, hopefully reducing your risk of rejection on any deep level—if that tip helps you gain confidence as you open the door.
This new person does not own your whole heart right off the bat, nope, most of us tend to, or try to, give our hearts slowly,
 earned over time. Way less risky that way. Still a risk, but, taking time to build Deep trust is a good idea, imo.
ONe line in your blog, Bridget, that i am not sure i am interpreting correctly, seems to refer to an urge or tendency to trust those we share DNA with more than others, but, i am not convinced it is not just the experience of growing up beside the person/with the person, all dna aside.
Were i to meet a sibling i never knew i had, never met before,
 and compare that ‘bond’
to the bond i feel with my BFFs,
 i doubt it’d come even close. at all. I think i’d view that dna-shared person a “stranger”.
which in no way, is intended to dismiss the powerful loss of those you DID grow up with, but, i suspect, it’s not about the dna. I think it was the time, the experience, the trust you had,
 not the DNA.
At any rate, thank you for validating and giving words to feelings of loss so many of us have also experienced. I’d be so proud to have a daughter like you, it almost makes my eyes wet to picture it. but, i know, that is not the same thing as hearing it from the one you ache to hear it from.
Best of luck in your progress towards peace and a logical family.
Reply 


May 18, 2013 at 11:09 am
Stacie  says:
Been there(or thereabouts).Now tend to look at conflicts in families (or betwn ppl) as nature’s way of ensuring we mature&find/forge our own path in life or up education& grow relational muscles.Perhaps part of challenge is that we sometimes try to repeat history seeking another (black and white) teat to suckle at,instead of embracing a new level of maturity complete with not so clearcut lessons about managing our own boundaries more responsibly,taking ownership for our own relationships rather than adopting the perpetual childlike victim stance (often adopted by the younger born who’ve all too often taken the leadership of others for granted). I say let’s take our power back.I say let’s reframe &view ourselves as sisters of humanity as a whole, in all its flawed beauty.Sometimes we too shall have cause to “reject” a behaviour we wish not or know not how to deal with.Meanwhile, to have a friend we must be a friend.Pls be gentle with yrself.There is nothing wrong w u.You r wounded & need time to heal.
Reply 

 
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16 comments to You Might Be a Jehovah’s Witness if…


April 9, 2013 at 9:45 am
Heather Van De Sande  says:
“If you go to Home Depot and feel compelled to knock on the door display” made me laugh.
Heather Van De Sande recently posted…You Might Be a Jehovah’s Witness if…My Profile
Reply 


April 9, 2013 at 10:22 am
Some JW Guy  says:
As an exjw, most of these hit home. But this one:
“
If you give religious tracts instead of tipping your server.
”
Seriously? Even when I was completely engulfed by the org, I would never have stiffed a server and left a tract. And neither would anyone I knew, as they’d have considered it a “bad witness”. Is this really common?
Reply 


April 9, 2013 at 12:35 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I never did this either, but I was also a server for 13 years.
Reply 


April 10, 2013 at 6:24 am
Ken Larsen  says:
Absolutely this happened! Lots! Heck – we even had announcements not only in the hall but also at the conventions advising us to avoid this practice. The thinking was that the “value” of “saving their lives” was greater than the value of the tip. Cheapest bastards out there! LOL.
Reply 



April 9, 2013 at 10:31 am
Wolf  says:
BRILLIANT!
Reply 


April 9, 2013 at 10:56 am
Avery Greene  says:
I laughed at “after having a get-together you’ve been called into an elders meeting.” Been there done that! This was a good laugh for the day.
Reply 


April 9, 2013 at 12:36 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I was always such a goodie-two-shoes. I wish this had been my reality.
Reply 



April 9, 2013 at 12:52 pm
Rob Crompton  says:
Door to door on Christmas morning! Aaargh!!! This one brings back painful memories from childhood.
Rob Crompton recently posted…Freddie takes over…My Profile
Reply 


April 11, 2013 at 8:25 am
Lani Morton  says:
OMG. I read this at work and was (seriously) laughing out loud several times. I can so relate. This was very clever and hilarious – loved it.
Reply 


April 13, 2013 at 9:58 am
Danny Haszard  says:
Armageddon-aint-a-coming-so-im-a-getting-outta-here…
Watchtower Jehovahs Witnesses have lost credibility with their own *Millerite Math* doctrine of Jesus *invisible* second coming October 1914. Watchtower society false prophets declare Armageddon end of world in 1874, 1878, 1881, 1910, 1914, 1918, 1925, 1975, and 1984…. —Danny Haszard been there!
We Jehovah Witnesses had a slogan back in the early 1970′s -*Will you be alive in 1975?*
Reply 


April 25, 2013 at 10:51 pm
mizzscarlett  says:
….I remember very well growing up with 1975 always in the back of my head telling me to hurry up and have a life before it was snuffed out by Armageddon. I am paying the consequences still..Our mother is the only one still connected to the religion now, my dad passed away and my siblings and I got out long ago. Now due to the Dec 2012 scare,she got panicky around Nov. and decided she’d better get right with Jehovah before “the end” so she told us we were all disowned…again. But to her surprise, Dec came and went and she is still here and of course has decided once again that we are “allowed” to talk to her now. :/
Reply 


May 13, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Kelly  says:
OMG, these are so funny. I’m in my office now just laughing out loud so hard. I can agree with all of them. The “get-together” and the “back room of shame” was a running joke amongst us kids. We all stuck together and ratted no one out growing up. These were brilliant. Google JW Thanksgiving Menu. Can someone get fired for lauging so much?
Reply 


May 13, 2013 at 1:58 pm
Kelly  says:
it’s Bethel Thanksgiving Menu. OMG, so funny.
Reply 


May 22, 2013 at 7:59 pm
Britt  says:
If “starting your time” has nothing to do with getting paid or going to prison…..
I beg to differ. Being a JW WAS prison! I was born in prison and did around 30 years time. So glad to be free for about 16 years! LOL!
All these too funny nonetheless! :-)
Reply 


July 9, 2013 at 3:04 pm
Danielle  says:
If you masturbate and then worry about Armageddon coming too soon for you to repent after finishing.
Reply 


July 25, 2013 at 2:58 am
Darlene  says:
Has anyone ever thought of filing a class action suit aginst the watchtower bible and tract society. I was a third generation jw. They once believed that 1975 was the end they preached it and believed and I grew up with that over head. I knew I had to live fast and marry young 17 I was a menses grad I wanted to be a lawyer My parents never saved for old age because the nod wud be here My father to,ld m he wud never die. The end wud be here first. Because they were mis informed be the society. 1975 They shudder be sued for what our generation was deprived of I had to support my parents because they dint prepare for old age. Doesn’t anyone else think they stud be sued. Loki up thre net wrth of the society. Billions
Reply 
 
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80 comments to Mama, I’d Like to Introduce Myself


March 23, 2013 at 11:41 am
David C  says:
I <3 you & your writing.
D
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 11:49 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thanks D. I love you back.
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 12:18 pm
Al Richards  says:
Hi Bridget
I could tell that you missed your mother and were forever thinking about her. You blog is very touching. I’m sorry for your rejection and pain. My heart aches for you. But Jesus did tell us that families would be divided, meaning some would choose him and to follow him and some wouldn’t. To choose or not to choose was your right. It was not your mother’s place to impose her choice on you. If you were never baptized she has no right to be shunning you no way! You didn’t do anything wrong, you made a choice, so yes she thinks about you and longs to see your beautiful face! Her heart aches for you and were she on her death bed, you would be all she could think about! I hope that your writing are a great source of therapay for you. I wish you joy and happiness, take care!
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I was baptized AS A CHILD like most people who were born into a Jehovah’s Witness family. Would you let a child sign a contract or get married? No. They shouldn’t be allowed to make this type of decision either if the result is shunning and disownment when they reject the religion’s doctrine.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 3:28 am
Jennifer  says:
You do recognize she’s an atheist right? Meaning your comment on baptism is completely offensive. It shouldn’t matter whether she was baptized or not; her family has no right to disown her for her beliefs as long as she is not harming another being.
I was baptized as a child and “disfellowshipped” as well. Keep your head up. This is due to their warped mentality and has no reflection on you failing or achieving in life. It sounds like you’re achieving a lot more than many of your fellow broken souls!
Reply 


April 1, 2013 at 4:07 pm
Amelia Ketzle  says:
You seem to have missed the part about her being an atheist…so she probably doesn’t give two shits what “Jesus told us”. That’s surely part of why she “thinks religion is poisonous” – because it legitimizes tearing families apart. Willful blindness of the faithful, here for all to see.
Reply 


May 13, 2013 at 11:57 am
Emily  says:
Al Richards, please, you have no place on this blog.
 You are not providing helpful advice
 Shouting into the wind rings a bell …
Emily
Reply 


May 21, 2013 at 1:49 pm
Brandi Williams  says:
Al Richards,
I don’t believe the Jesus the Christ character was real nor do I believe he ‘told’ anyone that families would be ‘divided’ by those who ‘choose’ to follow him and those who do not. I understand you were trying to help but I think next time you should be careful about what you post on other people’s websites first.
by Brandi Amari Williams
Brandi Williams recently posted…My New PathMy Profile
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 12:29 pm
Rob Crompton  says:
Bridget,
 I’ve just discovered your blog – it looks really interesting. I very much like the way have have written this post as if to your JW-estranged mother. As one who has been through the same process, I can relate to your situation. I hope you are able to keep the possibility of communication open although you will realise that our hopes for reconciliation are not always fulfilled.
 I wish you well with the book you are writing and look forward to reading it when you complete it.
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 12:34 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thank you. I will never lose hope that we will reconnect.
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 1:03 pm
carrie bee  says:
I appreciate everything that you wrote here. I too am estranged from my JW family. I was just thinking the other day how much my parents have missed including all the accomplishments of my 3 children, they’re only grandchildren. I am their only daughter and they know nothing about me or who I’ve become. they are still rolling shins over my struggles that I encountered when I first left the organization. since then I’ve learned so much about the real world. I wouldn’t trade my freedom for anything. I am so proud of you for being a survivor. I know what a difficult road it is to leave and to make something of yourself. (Hugs)
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 1:10 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
My mother and brother share the same date of birth: 3/24, tomorrow. It really got me thinking about what I have missed out on and what they are missing out on.
I hate that you can relate. I wish no one had to go through this.
Hugs right back atcha sis.
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 1:05 pm
enochenochenoch  says:
Bridget, I can somewhat relate to some of the issues of separation due to WatchTower Society cult mentality. I know your mother and family can’t be replaced no matter how much is gained apart from them.
One solution to help stop this misery is for entire Families to escape the WTS as a unit. There is a way to do this, we just have to find it. I’m seeking suggestions and want to implement asap.
enochenochenoch recently posted…Ask Jehovah’s Witnesses Why…My Profile
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 1:11 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
If I knew that, I’d have all of my family out. I’ve tried to show them how the WT is wrong, but they just see that as apostasy. Good luck!
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 1:27 pm
Shirley Jackson  says:
My friend & I want to start a support group for those who have been disowned by family for whatever reason. We don’t know how to reach out or contact people. Any suggestions? We are in Florida
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 1:30 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
There is a national organization called Recovering from Religion. You should see if there is a group in your area, and if not, consider starting one.
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 1:41 pm
Chris Stevenson  says:
If I could show your mother this letter I would do it myself. Her position is so mentally-retarded it’s not funny. A lot of these positions are taken as too extreme a measure by the family members to the excommunicated, it was not like this when I was coming up. Parents would still associated normally with their kids. Today it seems the Watchtower is demanding more and more blind obedience, not just to preoccupy people with family divisions, but to prevent their own wrongs from being investigated and exposed by independent thinkers. They feel if you stop talking to your own blood on their word, then you’ll be less likely to take them to task on any one of the scandals that could destroy them; child sexual abuse, money laundering, etc. Good piece Bridget.
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 1:47 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I fully agree with you. They are very cult-like in that they try to keep all of their members so insulated. My family probably has no ideas about the scandals. They fear what independent and freethinking can do.
Reply 



March 23, 2013 at 10:30 pm
HiTopFade  says:
From one Black Agnostic to one Black Atheist…felt.
I found your site through Reddit. There is an entire community of ex Jehovah’s Witnesses there from around the world.
It would be an honor to have you post your thoughts in our forum.
HiTopFade
 exjwreddit
Reply 


March 23, 2013 at 11:58 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I’m the one who posted it on reddit :-)
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 8:48 am
taylor  says:
Your story is touching. Just wanted to take a second and wish you the best in life, and I hope that means you continuing to help others, a reunion with your mother and family, and lots of travel. You’re obviously a brave, intelligent, and caring woman. The world could use more like you. I think your family is crazy for disowning you.
All the best,
 Taylor
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 11:42 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
It amazes me that JWs demean the Catholic church for baptizing babies, but they essentially do the same thing when they let people under 18 do the same thing. I was baptized at 12 to make my parents happy. It’s not like I had done actual research or compared religions.
Reply 


April 9, 2013 at 5:09 pm
Maria D.  says:
That is my exact point! I have said this over and over… “you can’t enter into a legal binding contract when you’re a minor. You can’t get a cell phone, you can’t get married, but you CAN make a decision about dedicating the rest of your NATURAL LIFE to an organization… and be held to that forever?” How much sense does that make?
Zero.
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 10:23 am
Debbie Kotte  says:
So many can relate to what you have written. In my own personal experience I have had certain times in my life when my family acts like they want me involved in their lives. I only recently realized that it happens when they think I am going through something difficult when I am vulnerable and they think I will actually go back to the cult. It’s so sad that they believe their actions are loving and justify their behavior with their faith in their cult.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 11:42 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
That is AWFUL Debbie. That sounds very predatory..
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 10:28 am
Victorian  says:
Being raised and baptized as a child I can feel myself in your words. My own mother passed but even at 39 i cry for my father my beloved Auntie who helped raise me. I wish they could see me and know me. Not just see the religious perception of me. I like you work in social services and am an atheist. I struggled with secondary education but am 25 credits way from my bachelors.
I know it’s not the same as the family you left behind but as a “sister” that also left, I am proud of you.
Victoria
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 11:43 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thanks sis. I am creating a new family.
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 10:33 am
Andrew  says:
So sad. I was Catholic but have been disowned as I was abused by clergy when 14 and spoke out about it. My mother and sisters have nothing to do with me, my wife or my children. I can say I’m over it, but you never really are. Tv, movies and seeing mothers in the street can trigger my emotions. You sound like a good person and I wish you every happiness. There are a lot of broken families in the world due to religion.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 11:46 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I am writing a book about disowned individuals and I would like to include your story. Will you send me an email at grievingfortheliving@gmail.com.
Kickstarter, please donate if you can.
Here’s the website for more about the book.
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 11:02 am
Ben  says:
sad – especially when the latest Watchtower even encourages not “even checking up on” a Dfd son or daughter. the society are really becoming hardline now on any contact with Dfdones.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 11:46 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Wow, really?!?!? I need to get a copy of that!
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 2:31 pm
Amy  says: http://www.jw.org/en/publications/magazines/w20130115/let-nothing-distance-you-from-jehovah/
this will link you to the official site of the jws and the study article that said don’t even email disfellowshipped family.
Sorry don’t know how to make it clickable.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 8:23 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thanks, I will check it out tomorrow!
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 6:18 pm
Sharon Love  says:
OMG, I really related to this. Lost my entire religious family to homophobia a year ago. It feels like there’s a black hole in my life where my family should be, and the anxiety that this causes erodes at my social, emotional, and career life.
Reply 


March 24, 2013 at 8:23 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Sharon, would you be willing to share your story in a book I am writing? Some info: http://www.grievingfortheliving.com. You can email me at grievingfortheliving@gmail.com.
Reply 



March 24, 2013 at 10:48 pm
Sabrina  says:
Wow! Someone who is recovering from the same pain as me. I feel so alone so often from missing my mother & everyone I loved in my youth. JW’s really kicked me when I was down. This time of year is extra hard for me(remembering memorial time & all its sentiment). It’s bitter-sweet to read this. Nice to know I’m not alone & hate to think of anyone else going through this as well. You’re right. Our mothers have missed out on the good people we have become…I do have a daughter as well, who my mother has never met. It’s a shame too, because my daughter is the coolest daughter I ever could dream of. It is my mothers terrible loss…all in the name of religion! Too bad! Thanks for sharing your story!!!
Reply 


March 25, 2013 at 2:25 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
And thank you for sharing yours sis <3
Reply 



March 25, 2013 at 7:35 am
Ray Bailey Reed  says:
That was a very touching post. I can relate to some of the separation anxiety as well. I had been very active in the organization before I finally came to my senses and realized that I had been following a bunch of men. After I sent in my letter of disassociation, my then-wife filed for divorce and spend the next several years trying to poison our three kids against me.
It was really, really hard to hear your 5 year old daughter crying and saying “Daddy I don’t want you to die at armageddon.” (Like a 5 year old even understands what that is). 20 years later my 2 daughters are out of the religion, but my son, who remains in the cult, told me last June that he would no longer be able to see or talk to me becuase the Society was telling everyone that they were clamping down on this practice. As an elder he has to do what he has been instructed. Although I was a part of that machine, I still find it unbelievable that one can choose a religion over their own flsh and blood.
Reply 


March 25, 2013 at 9:19 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I imagine not having your child in your life is similar to not having a parent. You’re grieving just like I am.
Reply 



March 25, 2013 at 8:09 am
Tiffany Alberts  says:
Bridget, reading your letter really breaks my heart. I hope more of your family members can have their eyes opened to what they are really apart of. I never got baptized so my mother still talks to me, but it’s like she’s not really there. She’s just a shell of a person. I was raised in the religion from 4 years old to about 16 or 17 when I just stopped going. I’m 32 now. As far back as I can remember my mother has been deeply depressed, and still is to this day. Because she’s a member of a religion with “the happiest people on Earth” she is in denial about her mental state and won’t seek help. I’m truly afraid, because it appears she’s not in touch with reality because she is placing her life on hold waiting for “the new system.” It’s terribly disturbing and scary. I won’t present her with the lies and scandals of the Watchtower because I know it’s a waste of time. She oould be lost forever. I’m going to start following your blog! :)
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March 25, 2013 at 9:22 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I will continue having hope, but like you I also believe it’s a waste of time trying to convince them of the Watchtower’s errors. I just hope they are happy.
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March 26, 2013 at 6:49 am
Ray Bailey Reed  says:
That is very true Bridget. One will not renounce their belief system until they are ready to do so. No amount of logical arguments will make them suddenly see things your way. It takes time to chip away at the stone outer casing of religion. I recently heard a podcast where a Mormon apologist was defending the religion against an overwhelming amount of evidence that shows what Joseph Smith said happened in the Book of Mormon could not have occured. He just kept repeating that there were things that were just hard to understand but that understanding would come in due time.
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April 8, 2013 at 7:36 pm
ShannonHLP  says:
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your mom is missing out on knowing a hell of a lady. I hope that changes soon.
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April 9, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Maria D.  says:
Bridget,
 This blog brought tears to my eyes. You and I are in the same situation. I’m 31, and have been disowned by my mother, brother and entire maternal side of my family. I, like you, was baptized as a CHILD not having any idea the ramifications of that “choice”. I use the word “choice” loosely, because when you are raised in a Jehovah’s Witness household, it really isn’t something you choose. It’s imposed upon you whether it’s admitted or not. I completely feel your pain, and I loved your blog. I will be subscribing and reading all you have to say…
Oh! And I’m atheist too now. I wonder exactly what percentage of the people who leave the JWs end up atheist? It’s seems to be an astounding number. Interesting…
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April 11, 2013 at 3:01 am
Angus Robertson  says:
Beautifully written. I feel for the family members who are so tied to the philosophy of a cult that they will sacrifice the joys of seeing their children go through the landmarks of life, missing graduations, weddings and childbirth. They and will never get to know their grandchildren, provide advice to the new parents sharing their experiences. All for what? A dream! A dream of a paradise that will never be. Life is for living now, not for putting on hold for a future created in the minds of despotic men with a deity delusion.
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April 11, 2013 at 4:16 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thank you.
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May 28, 2013 at 5:17 pm
mivoyce  says:
Bridgette, there’s nothing i can say that others havent already stated. my situation is not as deafening as yours, but neither do i have the most congenial relationship with my Mom and two adult siblings. but years ago i discovered that the fanaticism and fantasy religion produces in people only enables them to avoid their underlying psychological problems. although i consider myself “spiritual” i’ve let go of the baptist (catholicism) religion– its dogma, the mythological stories and their characters, and i’ve never felt freer in all my life. as i read your story and the responses of others, it is something to say about the religiosity precepts of this country that everyone has the same and similar experiences. and it causes nothing, nothing but heartache. but it doesnt have to stay that way. it’s nothing like “Knowing Thyself”.
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May 7, 2013 at 12:27 pm
Grieving for the Living: How Religion Poisons Relationships | Freethoughtify  says:
[...] Mama, I'd Like to Introduce Myself [...]
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May 7, 2013 at 2:34 pm
Mary Jurmain  says:
Hi Bridget,
It made me sad to read your posts. I’m an ex-JW myself, was only in “the Truth” for a few years, but I can see how being raised in it could really mess with your head. So it’s especially impressive that you have turned out so level-headed, smart, insightful, and compassionate. I’m probably about the age of your mother now,and I have a 21-year-old daughter who I love dearly. We bicker and disagree on many things, but I love her fiercely and cannot imagine not having a relationship with her. While this must be very hard for you, your mother is the real loser here. She is missing out on so much. Any woman should be proud to have a lovely daughter like you.
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May 12, 2013 at 10:40 am
Liz  says:
I totally understand your feelings. My mother has chosen her religion over me too…
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May 12, 2013 at 10:41 am
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
I’m sorry. <3
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May 12, 2013 at 2:37 pm
Schrödinger's Therapist  says:
I’ve blogged about my childhood here – suffice it to say there were many times when I wished my mother had disowned me, kicked me out of the house and gotten it over with, instead of continuing to subject me to physical and emotional abuse. My mother’s dead now but there’s a conspiracy of silence that prevents me from discussing what happened. The only relative I ever talked to about it was a sister who basically told me I had imagined everything and I should see a psychiatrist. She saw the abuse with her own eyes and often contributed to it. But we have to pretend to be a nice normal family and no-one dare criticize my perfect saintly mother.
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May 12, 2013 at 6:32 pm
A CWH Mother’s Day Special: Parenting, Atheism, and Religion From A Few Angles  says:
[...] to deal with the psychologically traumatic experience of being disowned by her parents. Read the open letter she wrote to her mother who won’t communicate with her. Her mother may never read it, which [...]
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May 13, 2013 at 11:27 am
Jordan  says:
Hello Bridget.
I loved reading your letter, it made so much sense to me and I understood your pain completely.
I too am an ex Jehovah’s Witness and had to start my life from scratch after 25 years and am very similar in my views as you are. I have said in more than one occasion that Richard Dawkins helped save my life!
I hope that you continue to lead a happy life and I am sure that if your family were unblinkered and free of the religion they would be very proud of you.
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May 13, 2013 at 11:28 am
Dougll Fresh  says:
So brave and so strong, I would be immensely proud of any of my daughters if they grew up to be like you.
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May 13, 2013 at 11:41 am
Donna Lafferty  says:
Hi Bridget. I don’t know you, but after reading this, I kind of feel like I do. You seem wonderful – strong, smart, compassionate – all things that my own mother would have loved. Thank you for sharing your story. Even if your mother doesn’t get it, we do.
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May 13, 2013 at 11:42 am
Arne Hesjehagen  says:
I`m so glad to see that atheists actualy can exist in the USA. When observing news from USA i realy get conserned on the behafe of normal behaving people who likes to see and belive the things you see,so i say thank you for beeing there and taking care of the trough !!
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May 13, 2013 at 11:45 am
Roberto Sallier  says:
I was baptised myself as a baby as my brothers, and as all my relatives and acquaintances. Most, myself included, are now, and were already as teenagers, atheists, agnostics, or vaguely believers not really practicing. Nobody was “disowned” by their parents, who at worst grumbled about “spoiled youth without traditional values”. But catholics in Italy are not the same thing as Jeovha Witnesses. They exist in Italy too, and here in Switzerland where I live now, and they are all seen as “fanatic nutcases”. They ring door to door trying to convince you to enter in their sect, because they insist they are the only ones who have the truth. The catholics I met including the priests were mainly talking about helping the poor. I am very sorry about what happened to you, but JW are terrible, I think the law should look into their actions.
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May 13, 2013 at 12:23 pm
Rachel Trottier  says:
I left the organization and turned my back on my jw family before they could reject me. I was raised in a violent household with an abusive mother and older brother. Leaving everything I had ever known seemed the only way to save my own sanity. I remember living in an abused, impoverished world as my reality but then attending meetings that talked about how loving and supportive a family was supposed to be. In a way, I had already been rejected by my family starting at an early age so, as I’ve said, leaving all that behind me was not that difficult a decision. I divorced my verbally abusive jw husband and have never looked back. I am now married to an amazing ex-mormon man, I am going to college, and my whole outlook on life is moving forward. My hope is that others in this painful situation are able to look ahead and know that they are not alone. Sometimes, family is not always about blood. It’s about love and acceptance. Family is where you make it, not what you were born into. Stay strong.
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May 13, 2013 at 12:31 pm
Deiter  says:
An inspiring story from an inspiring person: This, to me, is a story of a true spiritual journey. You are a pilgrim on a search of a reasonable path and do not shrink back from whatever truth it may reveal. What you’ve accomplished in your life is all the more impressive because much of the work you did you had to do without the traditional structures of support that many of us enjoy. You had to rebuild your own scaffolding of support and obviously you’ve did an excellent job. Praise to you and much luck to the journey ahead.
All the best.
Deiter recently posted…So Much Closer than MTVMy Profile
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May 13, 2013 at 1:12 pm
Angelynn  says:
Bridget, Thank you for publishing this letter. My husband came across it and told me to read it because there were so many parallels to me – he was right. Thankfully my mother has came back into my life after my coming out as an atheist, but the rest of my family has disowned me. My aunts, uncles, cousins…all of them, they’re gone. It baffles me how they can do this because I choose not to believe in god and not because I’m a heathen like some other family members they still embrace.
I do hope your mother comes back to you and accepts the woman you are. You sound like someone anyone could be proud of. Be proud of yourself and stand with your head held high.
Much love.
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May 13, 2013 at 1:25 pm
Phoebe Weaver-Stern  says:
I identify. Although there were/ are huge differences in our stories. My biological dad was a fundamentalist preacher – Church of Christ – very physically & emotionally and inappropriate in his violation of my body integrity. Had/have 5 sibs.I NEVER believed the Bible stories even as a small child. Could never question anything or would be hit. Could never go swimming – had no shorts or pants. Only long skirts. Other sibs would tattle on me. Mom many shock treatments. All other sibs got baptized — I never did – so every Sunday it was “Meet me in bathroom with razor strap” for a beating.Sibs said just do it & get baptized – but I didn’t believe so never did. Mom later finished Ph.D. history * divorced the dad – became Unitarian. One would think would be better for me but destructive memes pervaded & I was still outcast. And I am most empathetic in my family with sweet disposition. Mom favored all other kids over me & they treated me horribly as adult For no reason.Sister now diagnosed as bipolar threw knife at me at Christmas dinner cause I supported her six year olds query bout Santa Claus — three knife * hit head – bleeding in front of new fiance with Ph.D. in physics whose parents are Holocaust survivors. I was totally blamed & shamed for ‘ provoking” sister. Had zero bad intent. Family all hostile to me after that
 Diversity of thought still was not allowed. Left all family behind 23 years ago.Never spoke to mom again — Still says was “right” to blame me -* she still says. All is so,so painful still & hard to bear. Hurts everyday. Deep down still think I am “bad” from rejection & strict punishments – but am happily married to physicist – his family loves me and I love them.Does not make up for loss. I grieve daily at almost 60. Am attorney without confidence to take cases.to help others so stay alone a lot * & fear people will find out I am bad & castigate myself for smallest mistake. LOVE title of book. All sibs are in even worse.condition
 . Breaks my heart.Thank you for sharing your story & reading mine. Always in agony.
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May 13, 2013 at 1:32 pm
Elly  says:
Well done Bridget. You are an incredibly strong person, such conviction and the strength to follow what you feel. All the good you do for others too. First class soul, you should be proud of yourself. I’m sorry for the situation you have been put in by others, a lesser capable person would have allowed themselves to live oppressed by religion and I hope you can take some comfort in that achievement. I hope your family comes round though, you don’t deserve to be cut off. – Elly, UK.
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May 13, 2013 at 1:38 pm
Victor Del Rio  says:
Coming from a Hispanic male, raised in a repressive Christian background, who married a Black woman and had one son of which I am fight for sole custody from this so pious state (TX)-his abusive Christian mother-and my racist Christian family for sole custody, consider yourself lucky and don’t look back. You’ve come this far by your own support, don’t stop now.
Driven bankrupt by the courts, kept unemployed by Texas, and antagonized by family to give up, I go to beg for money in the streets for more legal fees.
Very best regards
http://www.supremecourt.gov/Search.aspx?FileName=/docketfiles/12-1211.htm
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May 13, 2013 at 1:39 pm
Ciara  says:
U should contact ur brothers….. Ur mother may well hav hardened herself against u 2 b able 2 maintain the distance & justify her stance – but they are a diff generation & u wud get a lot from having family again
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May 13, 2013 at 1:40 pm
Wes  says:
It is heartbreaking to read accounts of family shunning due to religion. I am going through a similar situation with my mother. I also am an athiest. To me the disfellowshipping and shunning policies are the most inhumane, evil, mean spirited and unloving practice a religion could have.
Ironically the Watchtower Society website (http://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/shunning/) lies and says they do NOT shun former members, but even recent Watchtower articles instruct members to not associate with any former members. People are so brainwashed that they just follow orders and let teachings of men supersede the natural love within a family.
My wife and kids no longer attend meetings, and I tell my kids that NOTHING will come in between the love of us, the parents, and our kids.
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May 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm
Louise  says:
So sorry to read your story. My Granddma was disowned by her orthodox jewish family when she married my Grandfather (christian). I only found out after she passed away when I was in my teens. I was not brought up in a religious environment so for me it was really difficult to understand how a mother could walk away from a child because of religious beliefs. It is very sad indeed. I hope you don’t give up hope in having your own family….. I have my own daughter now, after years of IVF…. you are still young and have lots of time.
Religion is a very powerful brainwash… Life would be so much better off without it.
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May 13, 2013 at 2:09 pm
John  says:
Bridget, your story of how the JW’s treated you and how you became an atheist is very moving to me! I have a similar background and now believe the same way as you do. I could never let my children go through the Kangaroo Courts that the ‘brothers’ set up. How can a family let these morons dictate how people will treat each other or even who they speak to?!? Barbaric! Religion is poison and we believe in books that are obviously fabrications. It is all about power and control.
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May 13, 2013 at 2:18 pm
Govind Pillai  says:
Hi Bridget,
 I am an atheist, raised in a religious Hindu family. Although my family is concerned about my ‘abnormality’, they have never let my lack of religious beliefs stop them from loving or caring for me. (they hope that this is a phase and it will pass, and i will finally realize the ‘truth’ :) )It is really sad that someone has to go through what you went through, just for being open minded and reasonable. I sometimes feel that the most difficult part of being openly atheist in India is that- the moment i tell someone that I am atheist,they immediately conclude that i am an arrogant and pretentious person with a ‘know it all’ attitude, and nothing but contempt and disdain towards religion and religious people. They simply refuse to believe that we are normal people who look at this world with a sense of wonder and curiosity, trying to make this a better place for everyone.I hope that your family will understand that one day and reach out to you. All my best wishes are with you.
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May 13, 2013 at 3:17 pm
Debra Obinna  says:
I think you are the most beautiful woman I have met, through writings, in decades! Your strength to be who you wanted to be despite your mothers acts are proof that you don’t need religion to be human. My mother put me out as well. However, I did not have your courage and became an alcoholic. I am not now but, wasted to many years instead of picking myself up by the boot straps and making something of myself. I wish I knew you back then. I will always remember you and your courage til the day I die! Stay strong Bridget!
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May 13, 2013 at 3:21 pm
Justina  says:
Bridget, I am so sorry to hear your story. As a Christian, I can tell you this behavior is completely contrary to what the bible teaches. I believe you are a beloved daughter of God who should be cherished, loved, and accepted by us all. I believe you are my sister and I send my comfort & love. I think you had legitimate questions, every right to ask them, you should have been given help sorting thought them, and acceptance of whatever decision you arrived at. I am so sorry for your loss and your family’s loss. I am saddened for your mother’s misunderstandings and hope one day her eyes and heart will to be opened to truth. I wish you peace and happiness.
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May 13, 2013 at 7:49 pm
Robin in PA  says:
I can relate. Good for you for being true to yourself and living your life the way that you want to. There’s a bigger price to pay for not following your own path. I truly am sorry for what you’re going through.
My family (Mother, 2 sisters and their families) of born-again christians disowned me for 10 years. I’m gay and agnostic. We reconciled 10 years ago and my mother died 3 years ago. Things are ok with one sister, but very limited. With my Mother, it was contentious at times, all while I was supporting her through cancer. The hardest part of it all was always hoping that she would one day accept me for who I am. She never did. As much I hate to say it, my only relief came when she died because my hope died with her. I hardly miss her. I do have extended family that I’m close to but we’re more alike.
The best advice I can give is to create your own family. They won’t replace your blood relatives but you’ll probably get more peace, love and understanding from people who are like-minded.
If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me.
Best to you, Robin
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May 14, 2013 at 7:01 am
Lisa  says:
Hi, I was reading your story, and I wanted to say that you are an inspiring person. I have a three year old daughter. I can only hope that she grows up to be as strong as you. She will be supported in any decision she ever makes. Sending you best wishes, peace, and happiness.
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May 14, 2013 at 10:04 am
Heidi  says:
This is not the first case of somebody being disowned for . It’s always nasty & petty, and seems to hurt forever. I very much doubt all the disowners out there practice religion “perfectly” anyway, so they need to get off their “high horse”.
I urge all folks missing their rejecting families to rebuild their social support systems. To get fierce friends, kids, pets, etc. who understand and enact what “real love” is.
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May 14, 2013 at 10:15 am
Heidi  says:
“real love” and evolved humans don’t treat people this way. I realize that doesn’t fix the rejected and shunned hurt. I hope you fill your life with loving people, pets, kids, growing things.
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May 14, 2013 at 5:19 pm
Justin  says:
Thank you for sharing. I was disowned by my family when I came out last year. I miss them terribly. I hope writing this will help you move forward and heal. I haven’t met anyone that has lost their family like I have. It’s comforting to read someone else’s thoughts that mirror mine. Your quote, “I feel the pain and grief that a person might feel when they’ve lost their loved ones in death.. but you’re all still alive. It’s a special kind of confusion,” hit home for me. It’s a strange place to be. Thanks again for this.
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May 15, 2013 at 2:11 am
Razz  says:
Very emotional but don’t lose hope one day they will realize that you are a great person.I don’t have this chance anymore, when my father died in his last day he said he don’t care about me or what will happen to me ,I was 20.I loved and had different ideas and he didn’t like this.I was and I am a good person I never hurt anyone I always try to be nice and help people ,but this thing follow me all the time I can’t go back in time to change things maybe it was my fault maybe I should follow his dreams make him proud of me,I even tried to commit suicide very difficult when your own father didn’t care about you.
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May 19, 2013 at 3:31 pm
Amanda  says:
Did you ever get a response?
 I wish you all the best, I would be proud of anyone who achieved what you have and has the kindness to dedicate so much time into helping other people.
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May 21, 2013 at 1:45 pm
Brandi Williams  says:
Bridget,
Hello. I am sorry so sorry the way your mother has treated you. I am a Humanistic Jew and I have been through many religions but I had been raised in the JW’s for the first 22 years of my life but I never fully agreed with them on everything. I did not agree with their views on women, lgbt people and same-sex couples or their bigoted views towards folk of other religious , spiritual or non-religious beliefs. If you ever need someone to talk to , you can always email me at stevenson_debra@comcast.net. You’ll be okay sweetie, your mother doesn’t know how lucky she is to have you for a daughter. You are special. She should accept you for who you are. Please contact me if you ever need someone to talk to , okay.
Sincerely yours,
Brandi Amari Michelle-Anne Louise Williams
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June 14, 2013 at 1:08 pm
A M S  says:
Hi Bridget,
 I came across your blog and wanted to wish you well. I understand what you must be feeling. Although I am estranged from my mother for a different reason, I know the heartache and disappointment that you must be going through. I am 33 years old and my mother and I have had a touch and go relationship since I was in college. It wasn’t until last month that she disowned me and her granddaughter who is 18 months because of her unwillingness accept that I am an adult with my own family and not a child that she can control. I am sad at the fact that she has decided to not be a part of her only grandchild’s life and not allow herself to really get to know the real me. You have a good head on your shoulders and are an upstanding person. I know that you will do great things in your life!












2 comments to Introducing Freethoughtify!


February 11, 2013 at 4:53 pm
Karla Porter  says:
Congratulations Bridget & I love the video!
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February 11, 2013 at 5:42 pm
Bridget R. Gaudette  says:
Thanks!